After months of Jon’s incessant begging, I have agreed to this guest column on toiletooth.com. My rate was a tuna sandwich, which is currently being prepared for me by Jon himself. The initial subject of my much looked forward to contribution was supposed to be a review of some beef jerky, which was a bit dry and tasted like that time I took a pull off the bottle of whiskey that nearly everyone at the party had put their cigarette out in it. Pretty good, but not really column worthy. I have decided (without permission from the editor) to instead write a short review on Jon’s newest work in progress, a piece entitled Newtooth: Save Cat and Unicorn. Cat and Unicorn, while incomplete at the time of writing, already exhibits the angst and uncompromising emotion that Simon is known for. It’s simplicity and stark beauty are such as to leave the viewer breathless. In modest chalk on board, it portrays the epic and eternal struggle between the cat and it’s formidable (albeit imaginary) foe, the unicorn. The cat (which in actuality looks more like a two-year-old down syndrome child’s rendition of an octopus with a cat’s head) strikes angrily at the smug grin of the charging unicorn, cementing in our minds the beauty and power that is this universally known rivalry.
The piece is complemented by the quiet tinklings of Scarborough Fair, a classic in it’s own right, which lends it’s harpsichord to the gore of the battle. Newtooth: Save Cat and Unicorn is a developmentally disabled tour de force, sure to viewed worldwide as a masterpiece, throwing out the conventions of Da Vinci, spitting in the face of Warhol, and shitting upon the bare and exposed chest of Egon Schiele.
All hail Jon Simon. My tuna sandwich is ready.
-Black Metal Gene Wilder
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